Bitter

I promised myself that I would not feel bitter about it and I was doing fine until last Monday, that is. I was working late for my part in our 135 and 180 papers and cheesy as it may sound, in the silence of the wee hours of the morning, I started to feel sad and bitter about everything. I guess that is what I get for being left alone with no one to talk to--not that I can talk about it anyway.

I've always known that life is not fair and I've also come to realize how insensitive he can get. Still, I can't help feeling sad and hurt by his actions though I know that in my current position, I do not have the right to feel those things. It just hurts knowing how much effort has been given and still it comes down to this.

*

It's times like these that I miss your good morning texts.

*

I wish for closure. From everyone. Please.

*

That was probably the most stupid thing that I have done in the recent years. That's because getting myself involved with you IS the most stupid thing... Or probably still looking for you. I don't know. Let's just say that everything that has to do with you is very stupid... Even though for a moment there it made me really really really happy.

I hope the letter reaches you. I want to talk to you. I need to talk with you. It's not enough that I see you once a year and you smile stupidly at me like everything's okay because it is definitely not. It's you who started it all and I want you to end it. Not just smile at me, it's killing me!

I even practiced in my mind what I would say to you when that happens. First, I would curse you like hell. But then I just want to know were you even thinking of me while you did it? Did you even really mean all the things that you said? Are you happy with how things turned out to be? And I want to apologize because for one, I was at fault to. Though I know that nothing good's coming out of it, I still played the game with you.

*

Maybe next time when we see each other I'll be truly able to end this.

Game On

I just finished my interview with UPCM, the last medical school I applied to. For some reason, I end up being very exhausted after every interview I go to. This one was no different and my head kept hurting up until around 4 PM. Honestly, I did answer the best that I could at that moment but there are things that I thought of right after the interview that I should have said. Well, it's basically water under the bridge. All I have to do is, as I've said, stop dwelling on it and just bounce back from the experience. I really pray that I get accepted.

I was also able to submit my GWA certificate to St. Luke's. I was the only one who went up to the 8th floor where the admissions office is. I actually got scared because I rode the elevator alone and I had paranoid thoughts of being locked up if something bad happens. Obviously I am here and nothing bad happened. Hehe. After submitting my certificate, I went to the restroom at the end of the hallway and when I walked back to the elevator, I have to admit, I felt a tinge of sadness because I do not know if I'll be back in St. Luke's or not. I guess that going there four times and meeting the people there made me sort of attached. Though that doesn't mean that my "fighting spirit" in UPCM is giving up.

Thus, I can truly say that the game is on, the game of waiting that is. I promise myself that I am not going to think about it for fear that I'll go crazy. I'll just concentrate on graduating and enjoying the last days of college life.

Gambatte!

Last night I died...

 Three times.

I happened to log on to my Friendster account. I do not know why, maybe it is because I saw him online again. It's been a habit of me to check his Friendster account everytime I see him online because unlike me and my other friends, he's still stuck in Friendster. And I still can't get over the fact that he was appearing and disappearing on me at the same time that he's status on Frienster is changing from single to married and whatever other hell he thinks.

First. Surprise! He was not in my friends list anymore. I searched for his name and then saw his account. I clicked on his name and found out... That it was friends locked. And the person connecting me to him is still my cousin. What the hell?!? What the hell was that for?!? He made it sound like I am an ex-girlfriend he's finally getting rid of when we didn't even had anything to begin with becaue he was stupid and too damn insecure to show up. Grr... My parents did not raise me up just to be treated this way, you know?

Second. They're together now!!! Huhuhuhu... Just kidding. I actually think they make a good couple. That was a very funny story. They were my classmates in two different subjects and I got to know the girl because I know the guy (Alright, I admit, because I think the guy's cute... Bah...) and at that time they were only friends and now... *Sigh* I could really get killed from what I am thinking so I'll just shut up. Hehe.

Third. It was a *kilig* death. I was able to make it right this time and was able to catch MatsuJun in Shounen Club Premium. Yehey! He was so H-O-T. Argh. My family who passed by me watching Shounen Club thinks I am crazy for watching something I didn't understand and without any subtitles to boot. I just kept staring at him and smiling crazily. I am so liking having a crush even though it's the unreachable guy. Guess that's where the immature part of me comes in. *Sigh*

Anyway, here's for more dying moments... <3

(From adfirmatiosg's post in forgyoza LJ community)

Because I feel...

... Really stupid.

*Sigh*

I didn't know that Valentine's Day was such a big deal. Of course it was a big deal for people who have a significant other in their lives but I didn't know how much of a big deal it also was for single people. I don't know. I just never felt any bitterness with the whole heart's day fuss. I cannot feel what other single people are feeling (Not referring to anyone in particular!) because I've been generally happy with my life.

Whoa. That scared me. What if I got stuck in this slump? To the point that I end up single all my life? *Whoosshhh* No... I still want to experience being in love. Like, really, truly in love... Because I do wonder what it feels like. The only problem is, if it suddenly comes my way, it also leaves just like that *Snap.*

*Sigh* 

I've yet to meet someone who'll stay. OR, I really need some major growing up to do because sometimes I feel that I live in fantasy world. Welcome to my bubble world.

It's not you, it's ME. Haha.

***

Happy Valentine's Day Jeffrey!

I wonder if I'll still see you. I'm guessing we'll still see each other. I'm never going to let you forget what you've done. NEVER. That's my revenge. Haha.

***

Happy Valentine's Day Jomar!

I'm anticipating a kick in the ass for what I've done to you. Hehe. Sorry.

***

Happy Valentine's Day Jonathan!

I don't know if I was drunk enough that night to think that I actually walked by you. Or maybe it really was you... You made my Valentine's Day last year... And every day after that until you lost your phone. o_O

You made me feel special. Especially after all that I went through in high school concerning you. Dude, who would have thought that a lot of girls would fall for you in high school? Then they had the tenacity to make me feel that way. Whatever. You know what happened, that's what's important.

I actually thought of looking for you but now I'm wondering why I want to and I can't find a good enough answer to that question. So I'm going to stop looking for you.

I hope when we meet again, I won't be so tongue-tied in front of you.

Keep it up, Jo. You make me proud. (",)

***

Happy Valentine's Day Aldrich!

Haha. I still wonder what happened. Out of everyone you're the hardest to read. But I'm okay, just don't show up in front of me. Haha.

***

Happy Valentine's Day Fred!

Stupid promises.

"You're perfect to me."

WTH. For a moment there, I was going to buy it but then you couldn't produce anything. Good thing I reserved enough for myself that I didn't entirely fall. Guess I got used to being left hanging that you didn't surprise me at all. Then again, I admit a part of me was stupid.

***

Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.